A new life

Well my dears, our secret is officially out: Steve and I are going to be parents - which means I can finally start writing about a few of the million thoughts that have been spinning around in my brain for the past three months or so.

Writing is how I make sense of things, but I find I’m not at all motivated to write unless I have some sort of audience. (Case in point: every one of my 15 quarter-full molskine journals is filled with Steve’s grocery lists, the names of people I photograph and random notes from Loyalist Township Council.) So please bear with me here as I try to work this whole thing out.

I am currently about 15.5 weeks pregnant, due on – of all days – April 1. I know this isn't much of a bump photo, but I've just recently started to "show" and am pretty excited about it. Oh and I don't intend on posting any ultrasound photos, but you can kind of see the first one on the fridge in the background, if you're interested.

While this pregnancy wasn’t specifically avoided, it wasn’t exactly planned either. Some of the financial goals we had been hoping to achieve before having a baby have not been met, but we could be in a worse position. Sure, we don’t own our own home, but at least we both have jobs we like and are on a path to digging ourselves out of debt. Plus I think in a way we wanted to get pregnant now, hence our knowingly dubious use of the rhythm method of birth control. Thus, after some initial shock and disbelief, we decided that we’re really quite happy about this development.

The summer was kind of rough for me. For almost two months, I couldn’t look at or smell the vast majority of food. Then I became violently ill with a terrible virus and had to be hospitalized. Thankfully, it ended up being unrelated to the pregnancy and the baby came through just fine.

Lately, I have been feeling much, much better and my appetite is back with a vengeance. I have been craving smoothies, frozen banana pureed in the food processor, vegan double chocolate cookies from the Goat and sweet cherry tomatoes.

Yet there are still a number of fears that are accompanying this pregnancy. I’m not sure whether they’re the result of hormones, legitimate concerns or a combination of both. When I got married, several significant relationships in my life were severely damaged, and have never been fully repaired or replaced. A large part of me fears that this next major life step will have similar consequences.

It doesn’t help that I’m the sort of person who needs lots of people around in my life. So many of those I consider friends live far away, and it’s extremely hard to meet new people. Not that I don’t meet new people every day through my job – but you can’t just propose friendship to random acquaintances. Not to mention, everyone seems to have their own little clique already, and be perfectly content in the friend department.

I think the reason I’ve been so emotional about it all is because I would like our baby’s life to be full of friends and good times. I feel anxious about my own loserdom. How is this poor child going to turn out if his or her mother has no one in her life but her husband and parents? (That said, I am extremely grateful to have three people who care about me so much.)

Then yesterday, I was moved to tears by the number of kind wishes sent our way by friends and family members on Facebook, and have begun to feel a bit better about the whole thing. I’m so glad people are in on our secret now, and that we don’t have to feel so alone anymore.

I know how self-indulgent and disjointed this all sounds. Don’t worry - I have no intention of regularly posting these senseless emotional ramblings. There's just so much on my mind at the moment, and combined with pregnancy hormones it's causing me to be a bit of a wreck. Anyway, thanks for reading.